My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
