Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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