I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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