overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
