cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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