tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
