My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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