If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
