If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
