I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
