walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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