Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
