How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
