i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
