One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize