I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
