...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
