I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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