Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
