Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
