accomplished twins. life is a go
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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