im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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