I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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