phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
