There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I look better un-naked...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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