why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
