and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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