I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
