I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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