I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
