can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
