If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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