Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
