I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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