Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
