Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
