just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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