I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
