I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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