no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
