Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
