found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
