Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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