He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
