I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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