I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
