I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
