Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
