dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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