I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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